June 21st…it was one of those days that separates your life “before the news” and your life “after the news.” I went in for my yearly examine with a new OB/GYN Office on that date. It was the typical awkward conversation during the exam filled with small talk about myself and the weather outside. The conversation quickly turned from routine, to needing an ultrasound when I voiced I had some pain. They sent me to the waiting room to wait about ten minutes for the Ultrasound Tec to finish her appointment. I remember thinking how odd this was and how the PA must be over reacting because I was a healthy 24 year old married woman with no health history. They got me back for the ultrasound within a few minutes and then quickly put me back in the exam room. As I waited there for the results, I sat there thinking how fun this must be for pregnant women to see their babies and then talk about every detail in those tiny little black and white photos they have. That was one of my last care-free pregnancy day dreams I had because the PA came back in the exam room with a concerned look on her face. She tried to maintain her professional demeanor, but also wanted to be gentle as she stood there with the ultrasound photos in hand. The PA then explained to me how they found a very rare uterine, anatomy abnormality and wanted me to speak with the Doctor once he returned from vacation in two weeks. I tried to ask about how a future pregnancy would look, or what this meant in terms of getting pregnant, but she had no experience with this anatomy abnormality. Needless to say, I was the girl that left the office sobbing…my bright future of being a Mommy was robbed that day, or so I felt. My sweet husband had the hardest time trying to understand me between the sobbing over the phone and left work to come home early. I sat on the living room chair that afternoon with my husband kneeling on the ground in front of me telling me not to google anything until we spoke to the Doctor, telling me that those results will not define our family, and telling me how we will be parents one day. Well the two week wait came and went at a snail’s pace and was packed full of secret research on my end. As I googled, I read terms like “spontaneous abortion at any point in pregnancy,” “least common anomaly,” “represents 1%-2% of pregnancies,” “High risk pregnancy for mom and baby.” The Doctor agreed with these findings, but remained hopeful for us. He advised I started fertility medication and meeting with his fertility staff. Once I could process and digest the information from that meeting, I found myself in a deep darkness. For the first time in my life I felt different/ set apart from other women. I struggled with a lot of shame and guilt, as it was my body that could not provide a child for my husband. It was my body that held us back and now would cost us thousands of dollars, for us to just “try.” It was my body that was broken in the eyes of everyone that heard my story. I was embarrassed that my entire life I had dreamt of being a mom and didn’t pursue my career further. I wondered everyday what type of future was before my husband and I…could I fake being content forever?
My husband quickly caught onto my season of struggle; as he would come home everyday to me not leaving the sofa and crying at the drop of a hat. I was pulling away from friends who had babies, family members who had babies and our church who was busting at the seams with pregnant women every weekend. My husband asked me how he could help and I sat there staring at the wall and whispered, “I need to talk to someone.” Our church home has a team of professional therapists on staff waiting to do short-term counseling for anyone at any stage in their life. Friends… if you haven’t tried counseling and are wanting to, I am here to give you the green light on it! Go for it! I don’t know why, but I needed someone to tell me that it was OK to go to counseling and someone to encourage me to “get out of my own head” and start processing the season of life I was in. I’ll be that person for any of you today…GO! It was the best decision I made for my weary soul and continues to pay off today. In counseling I felt safe to tell the dirtiest, darkest thoughts I was thinking of myself and even God. I felt safe to explore my soul and this new journey I never thought I would be in. Week after week, my therapist walked alongside me in my journey. She told me that we all indeed are broken and we all live in a broken World, but we still have hope. She walked alongside me as I pressed into our Savior and his message of Faithfulness and Goodness. I started looking at my life in terms of seasons and not that my life was “doomed.” Above all else she reminded me that He can make beautiful things out of the dust, and beautiful things are what is promised to us.
Month after month came and went without a baby in my belly or arms. We started hormone therapy fertility medication coupled with IUI rounds (Intrauterine Insemination). Each month that passed was a blow to the heart, but we kept pressing further in that season of life. It was with one round of the magical dosage of medication, the perfect IUI and millions of prayers heard that we FINALLY got pregnant with a beautiful baby boy!
Enter High Risk Pregnancy World, it is a scary world! My pregnancy was a pregnancy that we held our breath each day. I remember praying each day for Father to sustain this new little life for 24 more hours, then 24 more hours, then 24 more hours etc… And He did just that. Sawyer James Armington was born December 12th, 2015, only 3 weeks early! It was the most amazing day, a day full of goodness in every way possible. For my friends that are in the waiting season for their babies…babies in Heaven, babies in your belly or babies in your dreams, take heart! The love of God has never been more evident than in the long awaited birth of a miracle baby. It is an honor to fight for these precious babies; from dreams all the way into your arms one day.